Honey, you are going to love my Halloween costume this year.
But not as much as you are gonna love mine.
No, you're gonna love mine more.
Guys!
Save the creepiness for tonight.
By the way, I can't take Charlie trick-or-treating this year.
I've got plans.
Ivy and I can take her. We're going to a party, but that's not until later.
You wanna know what my plans are?
Okay, you forced it out of me.
I am going out.
With a girl.
So is Emmett going as Beyoncé again?
Her name is Zoey, and I met her while delivering chicken...
two piece, dark meat, gravy on the side.
Wow, she sounds great. I know.
She's a lot of fun. You're gonna love her.
Love her already.
Stop that.
Well, I for one am glad to hear
that P.J. has gotten over Skyler and has found a new girl.
Hey, so long as I don't have to look
at Beyoncé-Emmett, I'm happy.
♪ Today's all burnt toast ♪
♪ Running late, and Dad jokes ♪
♪ Has anybody seen my left shoe ♪
♪ Close my eyes, take a bite ♪
♪ Grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪
♪ There it is up on the roof ♪
♪ I've been there, I survived ♪
♪ So just take my advice ♪
♪ Hang in there, Baby, things are crazy ♪
♪ But I know your future's bright ♪
♪ Hang in there, Baby ♪
♪ There's no maybe ♪
♪ Everything turns out all right ♪
♪ Sure life is up and down ♪
♪ But trust me, it comes back all around ♪
♪ You're gonna love who you turn out to be ♪
♪ Hang in there, Baby ♪
Happy Halloween, Mrs. Dabney. What do you want?
I see you put on the witch costume early this year.
And I see you're going as an evil monster devil-child again.
Oh, you added the word "evil" this year. Nice touch.
I like to keep it fresh.
Anyhoo, I'm here to talk about the trouble
that you always have on Halloween.
You mean the trouble that started 11 years ago,
about the same time you learned to walk?
Every year, your trees get toilet papered, and your house gets egged.
For just $50, I can make sure that stops.
So you're offering me protection...
From you?
From an unnamed hooligan.
Named Gabe.
Who hurt you so bad that you can't trust?
All right, fine. I guess I have no choice.
You've got a deal. All right.
I'll just take that 50 and we'll move on with our lives.
I don't have that kind of money just sitting around.
I'm gonna need a little time.
All right.
You better hurry.
It gets dark very early this time of year.
I love Halloween.
So do I.
Well, Charlie, as you can probably see,
us Duncans take Halloween. Very seriously.
I'm home.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Why, it's Dad!
Hi, I'm Bob.
Of Bob's Bugs Be Gone.
How's your vermin?
I'm home!
Well, if it isn't... Ashley Tisdale?
I'm Mom,
and I'm a star.
Ba-bam!
Yeah? Well well, I'm not an exterminator.
I'm a pest control specialist.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I went to Southwest Denver Community College?
Me want donut. Me want donut.
Well, things are getting a little ugly,
we'll see you at Thanksgiving.
Hey, Gabe. You gonna put on your costume?
Hey, everybody.
What are you supposed to be? I'm a goth wearing a mustache.
Well, that's kind of a weird costume.
Not as weird as Little Bo Peep.
Well, actually, the Little Bo Peep costume wasn't appropriate...
There was not enough Bo, a little too much Peep.
Hmm. No, I'm Mary.
From "Mary had a Little Lamb."
Oh! But I seem to be missing something.
Oh, little lamb.
Go ahead, Charlie, say it. Baa.
Carrots? Where's the candy?
Oh, we're not giving out candy this year.
I thought it would be fun to hand out healthy snacks instead.
We're gonna be that house?
Our first trick-or-treater.
Carrots? You're that house?
Ivy, we're going to a costume party. Where is your costume?
Oh, I've got a costume.
That is so real.
I was gonna put the cleaver on my head,
but I didn't wanna compete with all this.
Trick or treat! Oh my gosh, a Teddy bear.
That is so adorable. You know, my name is Teddy.
Trick or treat!
Here you go, Teddy bear.
Carrots. You're kidding, right?
Teddy bear's got a little 'tude.
Happy Halloween. Thanks.
Don't bother.
Mrs. Dabney?
Go away! This is a recording!
It's Gabe!
Huh! Ironic,
Considering all the times I've thought about removing your head.
I'm here for my 50 bucks.
First sign this. What is it?
A contract guaranteeing
that nothing's gonna happen to my house tonight.
Now go away before you attract the treat-or-trickers.
You mean the trick-or-treaters?
Whatever. I hate this holiday.
I've got it.
Hey. Hi.
Zoey, I'd like you to meet my mom... I mean my dad...
Guys, your costumes are too good.
Hi. Hi.
Hey. And your costume is blowing my mind.
Right? Well, I guess.
Um, who exactly are you supposed to be?
My sister. She looks like this.
Wow. Now I get it.
My parents are dressed as each other.
Yeah. You remind me a lot of my parents.
Do they like to have fun too? No, I meant that there are two of them.
Well, we should get going.
Have fun. Yeah. Bye.
Wow, she's a spark plug.
Hey, Beyoncé-Emmett's looking better and better.
Hey, kiddo, that your second costume? It's kinda lame.
Yeah, who cares? Second time around is all about volume.
What do you want? I want to show you something.
What? I didn't do this.
Someone did, and I paid you $50 to protect my house.
But it wasn't me.
But it will be you cleaning it up.
Huh! I don't... I don't think so.
Let's take a closer look at the contract you signed.
Right there.
"If provider, Gabe Duncan, fails to protect said residence,
"the provider, Gabe Duncan, agrees to work for Mrs. Dabney.
"For one full day." Work for you doing what?
Keep reading.
"Doing whatever Mrs. Dabney tells him to."
You tricked me. And that's my treat.
Oh.
Go ahead, Charlie. Go get a piece of candy. Go ahead.
Charlie! I'll get her.
That was hilarious!
No, it wasn't. What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? It's Halloween.
Yeah, but scaring a two-year-old isn't funny.
It's mean. She's only two?
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Here, take some extra candy. Thank you.
Oh! What?
Karl, one; Trick-or-treaters, zero.
Oh, what is that horrible smell?
I added some rotten eggs to the fake blood.
It's kind of my secret sauce.
Ugh!
I can't go to a party smelling like this.
A party? I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Reach into the cauldron. There's some perfume in there.
Oh, reach into your own cauldron, you clump nugget!
I hate that Karl kid!
I mean, no one would even talk to me at the party.
Can you blame them? Mary had a little smell.
We need to teach Karl a lesson.
Well, can you teach it from over there? You've still got a little stink on.
Ivy,
I want revenge.
Okay, so what's your plan?
How about this?
I get a library card in Karl's name,
I check out a lot of books,
and I keep them well past their due dates.
Okay, I'm no good at this. Help me.
Okay, fasten your seat belt.
Ivy's gonna introduce you to
the dark side.
I hate November 1st.
Yeah, that's the problem with malted milk balls...
One's too many and 1,000 aren't enough.
No more candy ever again.
Right after this piece. Nuh-uh. That's it.
I'm throwing the rest out. Ooh, caramel.
Hey, everybody.
Uh, you do know Halloween's over.
Why are you still wearing your costume?
This isn't my costume. This is my new look.
So you weren't in costume last night?
Well, sure I was. Hello, fake mustache?
P.J., you're a goth now? That's right,
and because I'm the total opposite of what I used to be,
from now on call me, J.P.
If you're the total opposite, shouldn't we call you Albert Einstein?
Albert who?
P.J., I don't understand.
Why are you doing this? Zoey.
Oh. That's why.
Hi.
I think I like the sister better.
Okay.
All the egg's gone. Can I take a break now?
Hold on, let me check the contract.
Nope.
All right, what's next?
I need you to give Kaboodle a bath.
I'm not giving your cat a bath!
What else you got? Shave Mr. Dabney's back.
Here, kitty kitty.
That cat of yours does not like taking baths.
I know. That's why I had you do it.
All right, what... what's next?
You need to give Kaboodle his vitamin.
Is he supposed to swallow this?
Oh no, that goes in the other end.
And if you thought he didn't like baths? Ooh!
Hey, Zoey and I are going out now.
Don't wait up. We'll be back kinda late.
Where are you kids off to? Well, I suggested minigolf,
but Zoey wanted to go to the cemetery.
So we compromised... we're going to the cemetery.
Who are you? I'm P.J.
No.
Thank you for reminding me. I'm J.P. Now.
Okay, well, whoever you are,
are you sure about this goth thing?
Mom, Dad, don't worry.
I'm still the same guy you know and love.
Oh, Mom, by the way, I ran out of eyeliner,
and I had to borrow some of yours.
Bob, what are we gonna do about this?
Nothing. Doing nothing isn't my thing.
Trust me, P.J. is gonna be just fine.
Forgot my nail polish.
And if he isn't, then we've got
all these other kids we can pin our hopes on.
All right, I've done everything you've asked.
Can I go now? Well,
I hate to see a beautiful day end,
but you can go after you take out that trash.
What's all this? Egg cartons, toilet paper rolls.
You set me up.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You egged and TP'd your own house.
Who hurt you so bad that you can't trust?
Well played, Mrs. D.
You are a worthy adversary.
As are you.
Until next year? I'll be here.
You wanted to see me? Yeah, Karl, come on in.
Come on. Look, have a seat.
Listen, I've got to warn you about my friend Teddy.
You ticked off the wrong person.
So what, I'm supposed to be afraid her now?
Very afraid.
She has problems...
anger problems.
Mary had a little lamb has anger problems?
Yes, and when you messed with her little lamb,
scary is where Mary is sure to go.
Ivy, I'm back.
Oh no. Okay, this isn't good.
Stay here. I'll deal with this.
Don't get mad. Karl's here.
What?! What, he's here?!
Who brought him into this house?!
I just wanted to make peace.
I told you not to get involved!
What are you doing?
Put that down! No!
Save yourself.
She's not right.
Hello, Karl.
Don't hurt me. Oh, don't worry.
In a minute, you won't feel anything.
Ha! Please, I'm sorry!
Let me go!
No!
Yeah, you keep running, Karl!
And don't come back!
That was awesome.
You were awesome.
Great plan, smart plan.
You know, you're a genius.
Oh, you're a genius.
Locked out? Locked out.
"But the fact is I was napping,
"And so gently you came rapping,
"And so faintly you came tapping,
"Tapping at my chamber door,
"That I scarce was sure I heard you...
"Here I opened wide the door;
Darkness there..." Be right back.
"Deep into the darkness peering,"
"Long I stood there wondering, fearing,
"Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal's ever.." Mom?
Hi, sweetie.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just...
Paying my respects.
To who?
Ezekiel Fitchhorn.
He died in 1928.
Time does not heal all wounds.
Really, Mom, what are you doing here?
Oh, P.J., come here.
Honey, I'm worried about you. Stop worrying.
This is who I am now.
It just doesn't seem like you.
Honey, you're in the middle of a cemetery.
At 11:00 at night when you could be at home in bed.
I do like to go to bed early. I know,
because you're not a nighttime person.
I know. I'm a daytime person.
Aw. And look at you, all in black.
Black isn't me. I like pastels. Right.
Sweetie,
when you're with the right person,
you don't have to change who you are.
Then why are you always trying to change dad?
Because that's who I am.
Honey, you are such a great guy,
and somewhere out there is a very lucky girl.
who will find that out. I promise.
Come here. Thanks, Mom.
So are you gonna talk to Zoey? Yeah.
I've just gotta be honest with her,
you know, tell her it's not working.
"So that now, to the still beating of my heart..."
The police are here! Run!
What was that?
I don't like to hurt people.
That's who I am.
Well, Charlie, my trip to the dark side went very well.
I showed her the way. Yeah.
Turns out I like scaring people,
and I'm good at it.
Really good at it.
Scarily good at it.
Give it a rest, Mary.
Good luck, Charlie.
Well, hello, hello, hello.
Do I know you?
I am the ghost of Ezekiel Fitchhorn.
You paid me a visit the other night.
I'm here to return the favor.
Come on in. Why thank you.
Say, has anyone ever told you
you're the bee's knees?
Uh, my great-grandfather.
How would you like to make time with a ghost?
Oh, Zeke, that's really flattering,
and if I were 90 years older and dead,
I'd be all over that.
Since I'm not...
Next time, a simple note "Thank you" will suffice.